Triple Lutz! Holy Cow!!

apparently there's a big "ice skating princess" void ever since Michelle Kwan took a dump on the ice during practice. media is trying to anoint Sasha Cohen even though she's notorious for taking dumps two or three times during competition. after the media blitzkreig shoving that ice crown-tiarra down her throat, she took a couple dumps during the Olympic finals, awarding her the silver medal. way to go Sasha. why not make the new ice princess that Rudy Galindo guy?

The Heyday of the N.B.A.

Remember when Gary Payton was a fixture of Seattle? When Michael Cage and Benoit Benjamin were Clipper favorites? When Kevin Duckworth struggled down the Phoenix floor? When Kevin Johnson would dish to Charles Barkley who would kick it out to Danny Ainge? Loose ball rebound picked up by Dan Majerle who throws it in from half-court?
When Michael Jordan would kick it out to Horace Grant, who would dribble out and throw an assist to Scottie Pippen? Luc Longley, cowaring under the basket, ready to get the board? Garbage time in Chicago, Bill Wennington being sent in with his beard?
Michael Cooper hitting three's in L.A., as James Worthy, Byron Scott and Kareem Abdul-Jabber crowded around for the rebound? Then later on, Sam Bowie, Terry Teagle, and Orlando Woolridge being the new faces of L.A.?
Remember Cedric Ceballos of the Suns? Remember Sean Kemp being the other half of Seattle's dangerous lineup? Remember Joe Dumars, the suave little guard with the suave little mustache? Remember Gerald and Dominique Wilkins with their jump-off-two-feet dunks? Remember Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Robert Parrish, Dennis Brown, and the Boston Celtics?
Remember Manute Bol and George Murasan? Remember Bill Laimbeer, Isaiah Thomas, and the bad boys of Detroit? Remember how Bill Laimbeer would always cry? Remember big, white Mark Eaton?
Remember Stockton to Malone, pick and roll to perfection? Remember Greg Ostertag versus Shaquille O'neal? Remember the bright, young, potent Lakers of Elden Campbell, Nick Van Excel, Eddie Jones, Corey Blunt, Kobe Bryant, and Shaquille O'neal? Remember Nick Van Excel elbowing a referree?
Remember Magic chastising him about it, then bumping a ref in the very next game?
Remember Hakeem "the Dream" and Eddie Johnson's miracle three at the buzzer? Remember the Houston crowd chanting, "Ed-die! Ed-die! Ed-die!" as he screamed in frenzy at center court?
Remember Larry Johnson's miracle four-point play in New York? Being fouled at the three point line, then hitting that shot? Remember Allan Houston, Latrell Spreewell, and Marcus Camby being the great hope of the Knicks? Remember Kevin Garnett's contract being the first multi-year, nine-figure salary?
Remember Jud Buchler of Chicago? Remember how Phil Jackson would put him in with two or three seconds remaining to loft in a three? Remember Nick Anderson, Penny Hardaway, and a young Shaquille O'neal putting Orlando on the NBA map? Remember Penny Hardaway's "you can't guard me!" Little Penny/Chris Rock voice-over advertising campaign?
Remember Michael Jordan and his tongue?

Torino.

The winter Olympics aren't as intriguing as the Summer Games. With the Summer Games, you have basketball, baseball, soccer, track, wrestling, judo, karate, tae kwon do, and-- last but definitely not least-- women's beach volleyball.

Unng!

i used to take a shit like clockwork.
every morning, i'd get up, smoke a cigarette, have some juice, then take a shit.
now with this "career thing" i haven't been shitting at all.
every morning, i get up, wash up, get ready, and take off to work.
i don't smoke my morning cigarette until i'm in the car and heading to work.
the first cigarette used to help me induce shitting, and it still does-- only now i have to hold it back because i'm in the car heading to work. i spend half the morning debating whether i should relieve my bowels or not, and since i work in a small office-- i don't.
the problem with not cleaning out your bowels on a regular basis, is that when you do clear them out daily, your shits are soft and fresh. now that i'm shitting maybe once or twice a week, they come out as almost painfully released logs of hardness. they don't come out easily, either. it doesn't feel that great. i'm pretty sure i wouldn't enjoy gay, anal sex, because i feel as though i'm practically having it now. it's not fun.

i am.

i am a HIGH CLASS DEGENERATE.
i am a SCUM-SUCKING SAINT.
i am an ALL-STAR LOSER.
i am a BRILLIANT DOUCHEBAG.
i am a PRICELESS WASTE OF SPACE.
i am a MORONIC GENIUS.
i am a VALUABLE PIECE OF GARBAGE.
i am a WORTHLESS GEM.
i am a PRINCELY SACK OF SHIT.
i am a TALENTED HACK.
i am a CREATIVE PLAGERISER.
i am a PERVERTED GENTLEMAN.
i am an UNTRUSTWORTHY ANGEL.
i am a DEVIOUS PRIEST.
i am a BACK STABBING LOYALIST.
i am a CHILDISH ADULT.
i am an IMMATURE GROWN-UP.
i am a RELAXED NERVOUS WRECK.
i am a HIGHLY MEDICATED HOMEOPATH.
i am a DYSLEXIC DYSLEXIC.
i am a GOD-FEARING SATANIST.
i am a BEASTIALITY-LOVING VEGAN.
i am a VISUAL BLIND MAN.
i am a DEAF MUTE WHO YELLS TOO MUCH.
i am a RESPECTFUL MISOGYNIST.
i am an AMATEUR GYNOCOLOGIST.
i am a HOMOPHOBIC LATENT HOMOSEXUAL.
i am an AGGRESSIVE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
i am also AGGRESSIVELY APATHETIC.
and i am DIARHETTICALLY INCONTINENT.

Fire Season

Ability to function... stranger in need... loud voices at night... perplexed by dilemma... savage tomfoolery... bringin' da noise, bringin' da funk... shooting rockets into the sky... British invasion... perpetual motion... thousands of needles... bringin' da proper dose of funk... hairy armpits... sweat-stained t-shirts... lazy eye, or refusal of eye contact?... untrustworthy scum... reverse perpetual motion... crystallized glass... fermented milk... tapioca pudding gone bad... fudge sundaes... rock-hardened caramel... broken enamel... camel races in India... turbo-charged chitty-chitty-bang-bang

Flush this.

Did you know the Japanese make heated toilet seats? We, Americans, are soon to adopt them ourselves, according to a Yahoo News article. Good going at last. We are not savages. We are not neanderthals. Suffered long, have we with cold toilet seats against the back of our thighs and asses. This is not Marxist, communist Russia. Why have we been victimized by such savage bathroom behavior while the Japanese have been defecating in comfort? Bah to America, for discomforting us for so long on those cold, winter mornings, when the savage drinkings of the night before have wrecked liquid havoc on our uneasy bowels. Bah to America.