Life Lessons

by Martha Quinlan


Some words, in and of themselves, are not funny. The word "gay," for example, is not funny. Neither is the word, "sex." But if you put them both together like this:
gay sex
They become humorous. Other words also fit into this category. Say for example, "butt." "Butt" is a semi-humorous word, but not until placed together with other words does it become fully humorous, like this:
butt stain
"Stain" in and of itself is not very funny, some would even argue it is problematic. But put together like this:
Butt stain
makes it fully humorous. Other words also fit into this category. Take the word "diarrhea." In and of itself, "diarrhea," is not funny, maybe even painful to hear. But put together like this:
diarrhea sandwich
It becomes pleasantly jovial. Other unfunny-to-funny word combinations may be:
Tampon Lollipop
Butterscotch Testicles
Underwear Stench
Anus Drippings
and
Crotch Fungus.
These are some of the ways you can accentuate every day language by complimenting it with unfunny-to-funny word supplementation. This is Martha Quinlan wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas and a happy New Bloody Nipple Year.

tyrizza

man, i'm trippin
these are actual tyra banks show topics:

am i a lesbian?
dr. dorfman's worst smiles in america
gay athletes and rappers: it's not in to be out
makeovers for life: meth faces
so what's up
my identical twin sister is now my brother
primordial dwarves
dorm porn
tyra's soap opera spectacular
pregnancy party
trapped inside your house
best of social experiments
when good friends go bad
let's get tested: tyra takes an aids test
the cast of reno 911:miami and supermodel nikki taylor
so what!
tyra's people magazine cover update
mysterious lives of witches
tyra confronts her fat tabloid pictures
i bought my bride
how to spot a fake
domestic violence in the gay community
babyface, jeff probst, and john edward
when will i die?
what's up down there?
inside the secret world of purity balls
why did you dump me?
love the new look, hate the new you
celebrity gastric bypass surgery
baby got bacteria


no you are not on crack. these are actual tyra show topics. the most disturbing part is that some of them are listed on her website more than once, meaning there was more than one primordial dwarves episode, more than one dr. dorfman's worst smiles in america episode, and more than one baby got bacteria episode. what the fuck!

Death of a Giant.

Perspective.

(a.k.a. descent into madness)

Your Standards of Beauty.

tell me these bitches don't all look alike...



j. lo and mandy moore













beyonce and shakira










heidi klum and gwyneth paltrow













jessica simpson and a young pamela anderson










ashley tisdale and one of those chicks from the hills













keira knightely and natalie portman













evangeline lily and jessica biel












rebecca romijn and rachel hunter












ben kingsley and britney spears


















if you've masturbated to one, you've masturbated to all. seacrest, out.

(From the AP)...

CBS announced its newest reality show, Kid Nation will be replaced next season amid all the controversy of leaving kids alone. The replacement will be called Midget Nation and will star a cast of all midgets dressed in children's clothing. The new tag line is, "Who can't get enough waddling? Watch Midget Nation, CBS Wednesdays."

may 2nd, 1993.

chaos. turmoil. imbalance. confusion. anarchy. frenzy. disorder. shambles. disorganization. disharmony. disturbance. discordance. discontent. disruption. dispute. fight. fracas. clatter. uproar. belligerence. antagonism. anger. conflict. riot. war.

i'm very selective about who's lives i enter to ruin... kobe should be traded to THE CLIPPERS!... problems resolved... what's the difference between white people and black people... black people go home after work and chill out with a drink or smoke... white people go home and update their myspace page... if you look up "whiteboy" in the dictionary you'll see tom's picture with his thumb up... young white males want to make millions by creating the next "social networking website"... black males want to rob the government... what's the difference between tupac and 50 cent?... meaningful lyrics and about four inches of teeth... what's the difference between orange county and l.a.?... don't even go there... one is hood central the other orange yuppieville... what's the difference between kanye west and puff p diddy daddy?... nothing... william faulkner... vincent van gogh... lenny bruce... fuck joe torre... his ass ain't off my chopping block until he delivers some results... i forgot to set my clock back and was only one hour late to work instead of the usual two... don't forget to hyphenate the compound preposition... fragmented sentence... REVISE!... eat my ass with a spork... beady little eyes... nasally little voice... evil little smirk... welcome to thanksgiving dinner... maybe i should start meta-tagging my webpage... nah... that's gay... you should earn your ranking... c u @ hingis' house... gonna do some blow...